PANZERS AUF DER UNIVERSCHEN

This Christmas, the planets were aligned in a peculiar way, not only did it give me a feast of North American-ness as has been mentioned, but also resulted in a rare meeting of the "Panzies of the Universe," a group of Portmarnock vagabonds that fancy themselves as intrepid superheroes in another plane of existence. Hayman, Crapman and I met up, along with the Crapwife and the Crapcousins, for a long night of silliness. I'm not sure where the name for our little group "the panzies of the universe" came about, but I'd like to think it's a contraction of the more masculine and fearsome "Panzers of the universe" after the German tank thingy (an easy way to make anything scary is simply to translate it into German, suddenly "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" takes on all sorts of sinster overtones). The title of "Panzies" would make it sound like a homosexual love-in, but we're all as straight as a Roman road I can assure you. Okay, so Hayman and I shared a double-bed. Okay so we talked long into the night about our dreams to set up a gay club in Portmarnock called "Port-My-Cock" (Get it?). Okay, so at certain points of the night there was almost definitley spooning, and okay, so I got random pokes from the ample Haywilly (tm). But I can assure you we're all-belching all-farting all-FHM-reading sport-watching your-mothers-a-something-joke telling bunch of chisled iron archetypes of butchness. Well, except Crapman. Me and the Hayman having been trying to drag him out of the closet for years.

It was with a weary head that I arose the next morning to make my way back to Cork. And sitting comfortably was very difficult for many hours afterwards. Thanks a lot Hayman you smelly Feckit.